Coming up to Christmas and it’s been a very long time since I’ve updated this blog, I decided to take a step back for a while and then the server company exploded so I lost all the blogs I’d written.
This past 12 months have been the most extraordinary of my life, the ups have been so high I’ve found myself looking back in disbelief at the wonderful things that have happened. The lows have sunk to new depths though, I’ve spent 9 arduous months in a Women’s Refuge, due to a previous relationship. November last year I was homeless, my private life was in turmoil and at the same time my face was being broadcast to millions. I was incredibly torn between watching my personal life falling to bits in front of my eyes, yet at the same time thrust in to the public eye. If it wasn’t for the incredible support I received from Rise, the charity that run some Refuges in Brighton, this year may well have turned out very different. I couldn’t tell people that I even lived in a Refuge, couldn’t have visitors and I found this very difficult to cope with. If you have a spare pound or two, please donate to Rise as they have helped me no end.
There were huge positives for me from that experience though, last Christmas day the lovely woman across the hall from my flat brought me a big dinner over, one lady having her baby was another memory I’ll not forget. Learning to live within the rules of my accommodation was something new to me and it gave me structure I’d never really had in my life before. Things aren’t going well with my family either, my staunchly religious sisters, brother and dad have all disowned me, the only contact with my mum is hushed phone calls when she manages to sneak some time alone. But, as I’m discovering with pleasure, life isn’t about living to my families wishes, it’s about being true to myself, holding dear relationships I have with friends and pursuing happiness. It’s all anyone can do, I guess.
I’ve learnt so much over the last 12 months too, patience is the most important lesson, after feeling like my life was on hold, left in limbo with my housing situation and waiting for the NHS Gender Clinic to catch up with my transition, things finally started to move in the right direction towards the end of the year. I now live in a wonderful flat right next to the sea and as of last week, the Gender Clinic approved me to start testosterone blockers and oestrogen, the best Christmas present I could have ever hoped for. I’m slowly building a life here that I can truly be happy and proud of, bit by bit it’s all coming together. Never losing sight of my goal of transitioning successfully has helped me too, it’s been the driving force behind almost everything I’ve done in the past 18 months
I’m honestly still not sure how I feel about opening up my life to television cameras, some days I’m overwhelmed by the positive effect it’s had on my life and people I’ve never met getting in contact to tell me how our documentary has changed their lives. Other days I just want it to all go away so I can get back to living my life how I used to, quietly with close friends. But then again, some people I now consider close friends I’d have never met without that TV experience. On the whole though, it was a very positive experience I’ll never regret the choices I made, having a voice that people actually listened to was a completely new thing for me.
2013 will be another amazing year for me, I have no idea what I have planned but I kinda like it that way…
Merry Kissmas and a happy new year to everybody! 🙂
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